Monday 11 December 2023

A fairytale that has nothing to do with Scotland. Part 21

Part 20

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Nancy and she liked to wear red dresses. One day her mother suggested that she visit her grandmother in the middle of the great forest. But remember keep to the path. But Nancy did not keep to the path instead she strayed from the path. Sometimes she fell among the weeds. Sometimes she dropped seeds, but the birds ate it, or is that another story. Sometimes she fell on the stony ground and bashed her knees. But eventually she reached her grandmother’s house only it wasn’t her grandmother it was the big bad jaguar.

I can detail all the ways in which Nancy strayed from the path and all the ways she got lost in the wood, but I don’t want the reader to get lost too. Let’s start from the beginning and see if we can bring some clarity to this fairytale.

It begins with King Alan abdicating assuming that he will remain a respected Queen Father, but instead being banished like a Lear that flies in the night in the howling storm.

Queen Nancy wants rid of King Alan and perhaps regrets or repents or views differently how he treated her.

She gathers members of the court who are willing or capable of being persuaded to say that King Alan was a knave of hearts who stole the tarts. Eventually it was discovered that elven tarts had been stolen or licked or had bits nibbled from them.

King Alan was tried for his knavery, but the condition for this was that no one would know who had accused him of stealing the tarts.

Nancy assumed that King Alan would be convicted of knavery, after all the tarts were gone and had testified to their disappearance. But King Alan was found not to be a knave of hearts and vowed revenge. But his revenge depended on proving that the witnesses to his theft of the tarts were put up to it by Queen Nancy and that the whole story of the theft of the tarts was a frame. But how can he do that when they are anonymous? Knowing who they are is the condition for proving that it was a frame.

We move on. Queen Nancy escapes unscathed from the first investigation into the affair of the tarts, but suddenly for no obvious reason she abdicates.

Why? It could be that head of the Head Loo warned her that soon she would need an operation on her rosebud, because if she wasn’t careful, it was likely to become a twig and if she kept taking the testosterone it might even become a branch.

But really everything that has happened since Nancy abdicated suggests that she didn’t need to. There have been lots of embarrassing revelations, but so what? If Nancy was shown to have a stash of gold bars in her palace, plus paintings by Van Gogh and Monet and Picasso it would prove nothing whatsoever except she had good taste and lots of money.

Unless someone shows that Nancy bought the Van Gogh and the gold bars with money that wasn’t hers there isn’t a story. In that case operation rosebud would turn out to be unnecessary and indeed a waste of everyone’s time and money.

Meanwhile instead of the new King bringing order to the kingdom the struggle over the succession continues. Gonorrhoea is off fighting the crusades in the Holy Land. Regan has joined her forces with former King Alan and Cordelia is continually on manoeuvres to show that she may be wee, but she’s also free.

Everyone knows that Gonorrhoea is not only useless but positively itchy and liable to be contagious in its uselessness if it is not cut off before it reaches the twig and the branch stage let alone the bough stage at which point it would be goodnight and God bless and take a bow for everyone concerned.

There is a struggle in the Head Loo. It’s as if someone has the most enormous case of constipation. We go to afterburners, we’ve found the Kampferwagen, we’re all ready to call the Queen of Hearts the knave of tarts, but then we stop.

What’s going on in the Head Loo? It keeps leaking. No doubt there is something wrong with the ball cock. What do we know about operation rosebud. A leak, a twig an unfound bank account of a leak a branch a bough and of all the forgotten passwords. Everything we know has been leaked from the Head Loo. If anyone else leaked like the Head Loo leaks it would have its collar felt and charged with having felt the Head Loos ball cock and made it stand to attention.

So, we have all these leaks and then nothing. Someone must have tightened the ring on the cock’s balls. It seems we are back in full secrecy mode just like we were before Queen Nancy’s abdication when loyal subjects knew nothing about the theft of the tarts or anything else.

But suddenly we hear that Gonorrhoea has caught something else while playing away from home on the crusades. We aren’t allowed to say anything more about it, even though binning the shag becomes a new dance trend.

Next, we hear that King Alan’s revenge is going for a pincer movement with operation rosebud and won’t be nipped in the bud this time.

Finally, we learn that the head of the Head Loo was heading for the gate in a Head Loo that was on duty while having more than enough to spend a penny by herself without using public transport.

Then the Head Loo leaks again. There is a jaguar on the loose.

“What a quiet engine you have?” said Nancy.

“All the better to greet you with,” said the jaguar.

“Goodness, what big headlights you have!" said Nancy.

“All the better to see you with,” said the jaguar.

“And what big wheels you have!" said Nancy.

“All the better to catch you with.” said the jaguar.

"What big doors you have?” said Nancy.

“All the better to take you for a ride,” said the jaguar.

But who is taking whom for a ride? The Head Loo gets to leak when it pleases, but we’re all told that we have to keep silent, or the Head Loo will tighten our ball cocks to stop us leaking ever again.

It could be that Paul and Nancy pinched the jaguar and that’s why the jaguar is so angry and wanting to eat them up or it could be that they were rich enough to ride jaguars and have gold Head Loos.

The problem with the kingdom is that all is secrecy until the Head Loo leaks, or the constipation ends.  Until then its’s us that are in the merde. Now we see through a glass, darkly, because all around is muck and murk and corruption and it needs to all be flushed away. Start flushing or else we will need not only a new Head Loo we’ll need a whole new system of plumbing.

Part 22

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