Once upon a time there was a little girl called Nancy
and she liked to wear red dresses. One day her mother suggested that she visit
her grandmother in the middle of the great forest. But remember keep to the
path. But Nancy did not keep to the path instead she strayed from the path.
Sometimes she fell among the weeds. Sometimes she dropped seeds, but the birds
ate it, or is that another story. Sometimes she fell on the stony ground and
bashed her knees. But eventually she reached her grandmother’s house only it
wasn’t her grandmother it was the big bad jaguar.
I can detail all the ways in which Nancy strayed from
the path and all the ways she got lost in the wood, but I don’t want the reader
to get lost too. Let’s start from the beginning and see if we can bring some
clarity to this fairytale.
It begins with King Alan abdicating assuming that he
will remain a respected Queen Father, but instead being banished like a Lear that
flies in the night in the howling storm.
Queen Nancy wants rid of King Alan and perhaps regrets
or repents or views differently how he treated her.
She gathers members of the court who are willing or
capable of being persuaded to say that King Alan was a knave of hearts who
stole the tarts. Eventually it was discovered that elven tarts had been stolen
or licked or had bits nibbled from them.
King Alan was tried for his knavery, but the condition
for this was that no one would know who had accused him of stealing the tarts.
Nancy assumed that King Alan would be convicted of
knavery, after all the tarts were gone and had testified to their disappearance.
But King Alan was found not to be a knave of hearts and vowed revenge. But his
revenge depended on proving that the witnesses to his theft of the tarts were put
up to it by Queen Nancy and that the whole story of the theft of the tarts was
a frame. But how can he do that when they are anonymous? Knowing who they are
is the condition for proving that it was a frame.
We move on. Queen Nancy escapes unscathed from the
first investigation into the affair of the tarts, but suddenly for no obvious
reason she abdicates.
Why? It could be that head of the Head Loo warned her
that soon she would need an operation on her rosebud, because if she wasn’t careful,
it was likely to become a twig and if she kept taking the testosterone it might
even become a branch.
But really everything that has happened since Nancy
abdicated suggests that she didn’t need to. There have been lots of embarrassing
revelations, but so what? If Nancy was shown to have a stash of gold bars in
her palace, plus paintings by Van Gogh and Monet and Picasso it would prove
nothing whatsoever except she had good taste and lots of money.
Unless someone shows that Nancy bought the Van Gogh and
the gold bars with money that wasn’t hers there isn’t a story. In that case
operation rosebud would turn out to be unnecessary and indeed a waste of
everyone’s time and money.
Meanwhile instead of the new King bringing order to
the kingdom the struggle over the succession continues. Gonorrhoea is off
fighting the crusades in the Holy Land. Regan has joined her forces with former
King Alan and Cordelia is continually on manoeuvres to show that she may be wee,
but she’s also free.
Everyone knows that Gonorrhoea is not only useless but
positively itchy and liable to be contagious in its uselessness if it is not
cut off before it reaches the twig and the branch stage let alone the bough
stage at which point it would be goodnight and God bless and take a bow for everyone
concerned.
There is a struggle in the Head Loo. It’s as if
someone has the most enormous case of constipation. We go to afterburners, we’ve
found the Kampferwagen, we’re all ready to call the Queen of Hearts the knave
of tarts, but then we stop.
What’s going on in the Head Loo? It keeps leaking. No
doubt there is something wrong with the ball cock. What do we know about
operation rosebud. A leak, a twig an unfound bank account of a leak a branch a
bough and of all the forgotten passwords. Everything we know has been leaked
from the Head Loo. If anyone else leaked like the Head Loo leaks it would have
its collar felt and charged with having felt the Head Loos ball cock and made
it stand to attention.
So, we have all these leaks and then nothing. Someone must
have tightened the ring on the cock’s balls. It seems we are back in full
secrecy mode just like we were before Queen Nancy’s abdication when loyal
subjects knew nothing about the theft of the tarts or anything else.
But suddenly we hear that Gonorrhoea has caught
something else while playing away from home on the crusades. We aren’t allowed
to say anything more about it, even though binning the shag becomes a new dance
trend.
Next, we hear that King Alan’s revenge is going for a
pincer movement with operation rosebud and won’t be nipped in the bud this
time.
Finally, we learn that the head of the Head Loo was
heading for the gate in a Head Loo that was on duty while having more than enough
to spend a penny by herself without using public transport.
Then the Head Loo leaks again. There is a jaguar on
the loose.
“What a quiet engine you have?” said Nancy.
“All the better to greet you with,” said the jaguar.
“Goodness, what big headlights you have!" said
Nancy.
“All the better to see you with,” said the jaguar.
“And what big wheels you have!" said Nancy.
“All the better to catch you with.” said the jaguar.
"What big doors you have?” said Nancy.
“All the better to take you for a ride,” said the jaguar.
.jpg)
But who is taking whom for a ride? The Head Loo gets
to leak when it pleases, but we’re all told that we have to keep silent, or the
Head Loo will tighten our ball cocks to stop us leaking ever again.
It could be that Paul and Nancy pinched the jaguar and
that’s why the jaguar is so angry and wanting to eat them up or it could be
that they were rich enough to ride jaguars and have gold Head Loos.
The problem with the kingdom is that all is secrecy
until the Head Loo leaks, or the constipation ends. Until then its’s us that are in the merde. Now
we see through a glass, darkly, because all around is muck and murk and corruption
and it needs to all be flushed away. Start flushing or else we will need not only
a new Head Loo we’ll need a whole new system of plumbing.
If you liked this article, then cross my PayPal with silver and soon there will be a new one. See below.
