Once upon a time there was a King whose name is
recorded in history as David, but because he spent his time composing songs and
humming the tunes to them, he was known affectionately by his people as the Hummer.
Now Hummer first married a woman from Moab who lay
down at his feet but before they were married Hummer required her to believe what
he believed and she told him, where you go, I will follow, your people will be
my people and your God will be my God.
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But it came to pass soon thereafter that Hummer found
his eyes straying towards someone who was not his wife. He sent for her, and he
knew her and in time she became with child. Afterwards when she came to the Hummer,
he said I do not know you.
So instead, she went to the prophet Nathan and asked
him what to do. She said that she had lain with someone she wasn’t married to
and was now with child. Nathan told her to go back to her family and commanded
that everyone was good and kind to her and told her to return when the child
was born.
When the child was born, she returned to the prophet
Nathan who told her that her blessing was to be stoned to death. But what about
the man who knew me? Did he possess you with his right hand? She answered Yes. Well,
he committed no sin.
The Hummer’s wife found out about the straying eyes of
the Hummer and how a woman had known him and had born a child and had died
thereafter. She asked the Hummer for a divorce. He granted it to her because
she had been a bad Jew because she was from Moab.
His eyes wandered towards a woman from the Philistines
who was from Giza or perhaps it was Gath, and her name was Nakba unfortunately
her parents had become lost in the labyrinth of the Great Pyramid and after their
marriage Nakba begged Hummer to pay the ransom of 750,000 shekels so that a
guide would kill the minotaur and get them out.
Now Hummer was not eyeless in Gaza, nor was he at the
mill with slaves. He was so far from being useless with the slingshot that he
had been able to hit Goliath right between the eyes and then had been able to
cut Samson’s hair to provide Nakba with a wig, but he didn’t have 750,000
shekels and anyway he was quite happy for Nakba’s parents to remain in the
custody of the minotaur.
But Hummer’s eyes wandered again and this time when he
saw his neighbour taking a bath it was like being struck by a quasar and not
just one quasar a number of quasars. Nakba seemed like a catastrophe now. One
Hell of a Nakba in fact.
So, Hummer inquired who the quasar was and was told a
number of things including that he had been to her wedding and that her husband
was the urologist who was always telling everyone how very umble he was. Wasn’t
I in that story too asked Hummer. Yes, just like you were at the wedding.
Well Hummer sent for the quasar, and he did a number on
her and he did that number a number of times until the quasar too was pregnant.
And this was during the plague of frogs when not only
was it necessary for the French ambassador to wash more than once a month it
was also necessary to keep more than ten frog’s legs distance away from
everyone else and wear a niqāb too lest the French ambassador’s lover call you
selfish. So how had the Hummer managed? Perhaps his Moby went up to eleven. But
that excuse hadn’t worked for the Prophet of doom Matityahu who cocked a snook
at the rules but was found to be kissing without a niqāb and was hung out to
dry.
What to do? Well first it was necessary to get rid of
the urologist or at least to stop him complaining. The urologist was sent to where
the fighting was thickest and was told that if he said a word about the Hummer
and the quasar well, he would end up hittited worse than Uriah was humble. That
did the trick and the urologist decided to join a silent order.
But now Hell Nakba was furious with Hummer. She wasn’t
going to be called a bad Jew because the Hummer kept harpooning quasars with
his Moby. Now she demanded that Hummer pay the 750,000 to the Gizans to get her
parents away from the Minotaur.
Why didn’t they take my advice said Hummer? I knew
that it was dangerous to go to Giza everyone knows that they have any number of
minotaurs ready to trap people’s parents and they have more rockets than Guido
ever thought possible.
But Hell, hath no fury like a Nakba scorned it was the
nadir for Hummer there was nada that he could do. He had to pay the shekels.
The prophet Nathan came to the Hummer and told a story
about a rich man who had a large number of sheep and cattle and a poor man who
had one little lamb which was like a child to him. A traveller came and the
rich man instead of slaughtering one of his own animals took the little lamb
and slaughtered it.
“Who is that man?” said the Hummer I have him killed.
Nathan replied, “Thou art the man”.
Hummer was the worst kind of hypocrite. He had a
number of nicknames. Hummer of the Jews less likely to be trustworthy with your
wives was one of them. Hummer of the Jews less likely to keep his Moby from
becoming a shooting star into the black hole of a quasar was another.
He was proof of the saying that the devil has all the
best tunes, because despite slaying the poor man’s lamb he told us that the
Hummer is your shepherd, and you shall not want. He told us that his truth
shall be thy shield and buckler, when all he told us was lies.
The Hummer believed that he could sin and do what he
pleased, while it was just fine if the women, he sinned with got divorced or
got stoned and it was just fine if their husbands were sent into the firing
line, just so long as no one knew and no one said anything about him. He could
use the shekels raised by his people to solve his marital difficulties. He
could arrange to have the quasar appointed to a foreign court in order to get Shotts
of her.
But it came to pass that the Hummer was the father of
Solomon, whose mother had been the urologist’s wife and after along series of
begats we ended up with the prophet Yeshua.
There is hope that life after the Hummer will be
better.
A woman caught in adultery stood before Yeshua and a
crowd who wished to stone her to death for her sin and Yeshua picked up a stone
and said he who is without sin cast the first stone. No one condemned her and
Yeshua didn’t either but told her to sin no more. He didn’t change the nature
of sin, but he did say that we could all receive forgiveness. It was good news.
There has never been better news.
You are a sinner, and a hypocrite is what needs to be
said to the Hummer.
Woe unto you, scribes and
Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed
appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all
uncleanness.
That is Hummer.
What needs to be said to the rest of us is do
everything you can to get rid of this man who threatens urologists as if he can
order punishment beatings and who thinks we are going back to the times when
everything was secret because he and his kind wanted to live their sordid lives
in secrecy.
No, we won’t. We are coming after you.
No there is a light that follows from such darkness, and
we must shine it on him and all of his kind.
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