Once upon a time there was a man called Tobit who
would later become King Paul, just as Albert later became George VI and David
became Edward VIII. There was also a woman called Sarah, who would later become
Queen Nancy, just as some other Queen who I can’t at the moment remember
changed her name when she became Queen.
Now Sarah lived in a town famous for one thing. Whenever
a man got married there the bride died and because it was in the land of Nod
East of Eden it was called East Kill Bride. But Sarah’s problem was different to the
problem of all the other brides. Perhaps it was because Sarah secretly
identified with Samuel, or perhaps it was because she really preferred girls to
boys, but every time she got married her husband died on the wedding night.
Well Tobit was making his way towards East Kill Bride
and unfortunately one night when he fell asleep a seagull decided to leave
white stuff in each of his eyes and he woke up blind. But fortunately, he
meets the great painter Raphael who told him if they can only catch a
particular sort of fish, not a salmon, but rather to be precise an Acipenser
oxyrinchus oxyrinchus then not only would his blindness be cured by its gall,
but the burnt heart and liver would drive out the demon that was killing all of
Sarah’s husbands.
The blindness was really a blessing to Tobit for otherwise
he would have been so horrified by the sight of Sarah whether possessed by
demons or not that he would have run away with or without his guide Raphael.
Well, the burnt heart and liver drove away Sarah’s
demon and East Kill Bride neither killed its first bride nor its first husband
and soon after Sarah became Queen Nancy and Tobit became King Paul.
But having cured his blindness with the gall of Acipenser
oxyrinchus oxyrinchus Tobit discovered to his horror that he has married Queen
Nancy and immediately began to identify as Paula because really, he would much
prefer to sleep with the fishes than sleep with Nancy.
But was Paul really Paula or was it rather that by
imagining himself as Paula, he could imagine himself sleeping with men. And with
Nancy horrifying Paul did she comfort herself by identifying herself as Butch
Cassidy in order to imagine herself sleeping with Butch’s wife. Raindrops keep
falling on Nancy’s head| as she dreams about a bicycle ride for two with Daisy.
This was all rather problematic in terms of a successor
for which reason Paul and Nancy eventually turn to a contest between Regan,
Cordelia and Gonorrhoea.
Nancy chose as her successor Gonorrhoea which is
perhaps the better explanation for the demise of all her previous bridegrooms
than her being possessed by a demon. She claps as Gonorrhoea wins the role of
Nancy’s protector.
“You have one job and one job only” she told him “keep
the Head Loo from digging in my garden”
But unfortunately, Gonorrhoea must have been
blinded by a seagull too leaving white droppings in his eyes as he became
Eyeless in Gaza at the
Mill with slaves,
Himself in bonds under Philistian yoke;
And the Philistine had a cunning device that she was
able to twist around Gonorrhoea’s tentacles and whenever she twisted that
little bit more he yelped and gave another 750,000 ducats to the philistines
lest he be left with a kingdom but only broken eggs.
So, the Head Loo discovered what my old man said to
follow and messages that Nancy had bought every day were discovered to have
been thrown away uneaten as a sort of bedtime ritual.
They found out Nancy had a recipe for marzipan and
dill do what she might to hide it and that it was she that was using it with sauce
à la française and so it came to pass that a year after abdication she began to
feel a bit like Butch Cassidy just before the end when he was confronted with all
those Mexican soldiers. Do I sell out Sundance?
There is an innermost circle of hell reserved for
those who betray anyone, let alone the man who saved her from all those dead
bridegrooms and drove out her demons, but with the Head Loo all around there
was no choice but to buy a house in West Kill Husband.
Apparently, the people in West Kill Husband who sold
the house thought the buyer was coming from London, but this was due to mixing up the speed
bonnie boat who had met up with his childhood sweetheart and was speeding
himself into her and hopefully into the House of Lords to remain in her, with
Nancy who never penetrated any deep thought and was also never penetrated
deeply either.
So, the house in West Kill Husband was purchased,
whether with Nancy’s own ducats or with the ducats reserved for the kingdom's
future battle for independence in a war that didn’t occur, is as yet unclear.
Former King Paul visited the House in West Kill Husband.
Surely it would be his home too with the wife he had saved and gathered all those ducats.
He went into the bedroom and saw Nancy’s head turn around
one hundred and eighty degrees and then turn the full three hundred and sixty, green
vomit spewed from her mouth and as his eyes turned into those of a demon, he
flung himself from the window.
“There is the man who threw away all the messages uneaten”
Nancy told the Head Loo “after I went to such great trouble to get the pan loaf
he liked and his favourite marzipan”
“There is the man who told me to follow my old man and
he is solely responsible for the cock linnet that got Gonorrhoea and the broken eggs”.
And so, Nancy settled down to retirement, free but
bitter”
I coulda had class. I
coulda been a contender! I coulda been head of the United Nations, President of
the EU, Prime Minister of New Zealand, instead of a bum, which is what I am,
let's face it. It was you, Paulie.
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