Monday 29 January 2024

A fairytale that has nothing to do with Scotland. Part 22

Part 21


Once upon a time there was a man called Tobit who would later become King Paul, just as Albert later became George VI and David became Edward VIII. There was also a woman called Sarah, who would later become Queen Nancy, just as some other Queen who I can’t at the moment remember changed her name when she became Queen.

Now Sarah lived in a town famous for one thing. Whenever a man got married there the bride died and because it was in the land of Nod East of Eden it was called East Kill Bride. But Sarah’s problem was different to the problem of all the other brides. Perhaps it was because Sarah secretly identified with Samuel, or perhaps it was because she really preferred girls to boys, but every time she got married her husband died on the wedding night.


Well Tobit was making his way towards East Kill Bride and unfortunately one night when he fell asleep a seagull decided to leave white stuff in each of his eyes and he woke up blind. But fortunately, he meets the great painter Raphael who told him if they can only catch a particular sort of fish, not a salmon, but rather to be precise an Acipenser oxyrinchus oxyrinchus then not only would his blindness be cured by its gall, but the burnt heart and liver would drive out the demon that was killing all of Sarah’s husbands.

The blindness was really a blessing to Tobit for otherwise he would have been so horrified by the sight of Sarah whether possessed by demons or not that he would have run away with or without his guide Raphael.

Well, the burnt heart and liver drove away Sarah’s demon and East Kill Bride neither killed its first bride nor its first husband and soon after Sarah became Queen Nancy and Tobit became King Paul.

But having cured his blindness with the gall of Acipenser oxyrinchus oxyrinchus Tobit discovered to his horror that he has married Queen Nancy and immediately began to identify as Paula because really, he would much prefer to sleep with the fishes than sleep with Nancy.

But was Paul really Paula or was it rather that by imagining himself as Paula, he could imagine himself sleeping with men. And with Nancy horrifying Paul did she comfort herself by identifying herself as Butch Cassidy in order to imagine herself sleeping with Butch’s wife. Raindrops keep falling on Nancy’s head| as she dreams about a bicycle ride for two with Daisy.

This was all rather problematic in terms of a successor for which reason Paul and Nancy eventually turn to a contest between Regan, Cordelia and Gonorrhoea.

Nancy chose as her successor Gonorrhoea which is perhaps the better explanation for the demise of all her previous bridegrooms than her being possessed by a demon. She claps as Gonorrhoea wins the role of Nancy’s protector.

“You have one job and one job only” she told him “keep the Head Loo from digging in my garden”

But unfortunately, Gonorrhoea must have been blinded by a seagull too leaving white droppings in his eyes as he became

Eyeless in Gaza at the Mill with slaves,
Himself in bonds under Philistian yoke;

And the Philistine had a cunning device that she was able to twist around Gonorrhoea’s tentacles and whenever she twisted that little bit more he yelped and gave another 750,000 ducats to the philistines lest he be left with a kingdom but only broken eggs.

So, the Head Loo discovered what my old man said to follow and messages that Nancy had bought every day were discovered to have been thrown away uneaten as a sort of bedtime ritual.

They found out Nancy had a recipe for marzipan and dill do what she might to hide it and that it was she that was using it with sauce à la française and so it came to pass that a year after abdication she began to feel a bit like Butch Cassidy just before the end when he was confronted with all those Mexican soldiers. Do I sell out Sundance?

There is an innermost circle of hell reserved for those who betray anyone, let alone the man who saved her from all those dead bridegrooms and drove out her demons, but with the Head Loo all around there was no choice but to buy a house in West Kill Husband.

Apparently, the people in West Kill Husband who sold the house thought the buyer was coming from London, but this was due to mixing up the speed bonnie boat who had met up with his childhood sweetheart and was speeding himself into her and hopefully into the House of Lords to remain in her, with Nancy who never penetrated any deep thought and was also never penetrated deeply either.

So, the house in West Kill Husband was purchased, whether with Nancy’s own ducats or with the ducats reserved for the kingdom's future battle for independence in a war that didn’t occur, is as yet unclear.

Former King Paul visited the House in West Kill Husband. Surely it would be his home too with the wife he had saved and gathered all those ducats.

He went into the bedroom and saw Nancy’s head turn around one hundred and eighty degrees and then turn the full three hundred and sixty, green vomit spewed from her mouth and as his eyes turned into those of a demon, he flung himself from the window.

“There is the man who threw away all the messages uneaten” Nancy told the Head Loo “after I went to such great trouble to get the pan loaf he liked and his favourite marzipan”

“There is the man who told me to follow my old man and he is solely responsible for the cock linnet that got Gonorrhoea and the broken eggs”.

And so, Nancy settled down to retirement, free but bitter”

I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender! I coulda been head of the United Nations, President of the EU, Prime Minister of New Zealand, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Paulie.


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