Once upon a time there was a stammerer and his father
was a fool maker. He ruled the Visigothic kingdom of Baetica in the year 636 AD
and wore black clothes with white powder on his face with thick black eyeliner
and listened to Susan and her Banshees while pretending to be depressed.
His queen was merely a daughter of a barrel maker and
King Beer as he was affectionately known because of his love of a beer with
curry continually reminded her and everyone else that he was the son of a fool
maker which made him much more working class than a petit bourgeois barrel
maker.
Beer’s chancellor was the daughter of border reiver
only she robbed from the elderly so as to pay the trade unionists. When someone
told her that lots of old people were freezing, she said “Well let them eat coal”.
Now Beer thought it was one of the benefits of Moors
crossing into Baetica that it was now possible to eat curry. Prior to that
there had only been paella, tortillas and patatas bravas. But multiculturalism
was so beneficial that Beer could now have his beer with Chicken al Medina.
Now Baetica had signed up to an agreement not only
with the rest of Hispania but with Byzantium too. Anyone who arrived on a small
boat and said they were scared to go back to where they came from had to be
allowed to stay. Things didn’t work out all that well for Byzantium, but that’s
another story. There is no more Byzantium and its capital Constantinople fell
in 1453. But there was nothing to worry about and the idea that the people of
the Eastern Roman Empire would ever be replaced was and still is a conspiracy
theory. There just aren’t any left for some strange reason.
Now some people in Baetica began to be worried about
the number of Moors who were living in their country. These Moors began going
on demonstrations complaining about the fact that Palaestina Prima was ruled by
Byzantium and that it dared to fight back against the Moors who were attacking
it.
From the river to the sea Palaestina Prima will be
free they shouted and what they meant of course was that it would be free of
Byzantines.
Some of the Baeticans were concerned that the
demonstrators also rather hoped that Baetica would go the same way as Jerusalem
and that it too would benefit so much from multiculturalism that there would
only be one culture from Al Andalus to Indonesia.
Now Beer thought that it wouldn’t do to arrest any of
the Moorish demonstrators even though they kept shouting support for those who were
terrorising the Byzantines who were under siege. It wouldn’t get any better for
the poor Byzantines even though they dragged out their demise for a few hundred
more years. But Beer kept telling everyone about the benefits of multiculturalism
even as beer was banned in Jerusalem though it had the benefit by then of Chicken
al Medina.
Now one day word reached Beer’s palace that someone
had arrived at the northern port of Compostella, and he was called Iago. Better
not trust anyone called Iago said Beer he’s liable to make you murder your
wife.
Now Iago also claimed to have been a friend of someone
called Hay Zeus and Beer found this story even less likely. Not only had Hay
Zeus claimed to have been God he had also died over 600 years ago. So how could
this Iago have been his friend?
Now at this time some of the Baeticans began demonstrating
about their concerns about ever more Moors arriving in Baetica. They could see
that things were not going well in Palaestina Prima and they thought that if
things continued in this way it would be the same there.
But Beer told them that it was all a conspiracy theory
and that the multiculturalism that followed the Moors arrival only benefited
Baetica just as it benefited Palaestina Prima.
Now Iago who was sometimes known by the Prefix Sant was
called by the Moors El Sydney James and he pointed out that if they didn’t get
rid of Beer there would be no beer in Hispania either and then he would have to
lead the Reconquista even if he was dead on a horse, which after all made a
certain sense given that he was at least 600 years old.
It may have been a conspiracy theory that the Moors
were going to conquer all of Hispania, just as it was a conspiracy theory that
the Pilgrim Fathers would conquer all of North America. Who could believe that
this small bunch of pious puritans in funny hats could do that? But they did.
Anyway, Sant Iago wanting to save himself 800 years
thought it best not to wait until 1492 and the fall of Granada before realising
that the benefits of multiculturalism might have been a touch exaggerated. So,
he began warning people about what was likely to happen if they didn’t do
something now.
But the son of the fool maker and the daughter of the
barrel maker and the thief from the border all decided that something must be
done. We can’t have people going around stirring up trouble. We can’t let this El
Sydney James Carry on.
And so it came to pass that Sant Iago was brought
before the court of King Beer the son of a fool maker and his queen the
daughter of a barrel maker and Beer washed his hands in one of his wife’s
father’s barrels and Sant Iago who was the first to join Hay Zeus was again the
first to be martyred for telling the truth.
Beer soon found that there was no beer and indeed no
Beer and is remembered now merely for his continual boast of being the son of a
fool maker and for cooperating in his own destruction. A fool indeed.
The attempt to stop people telling the truth failed. Santiago
Matamoros came back when he was needed, because truth is eternal and merely
awaits those who have the courage to tell it.
If you liked this article, then cross my PayPal with silver and soon there will be a new one. See below.
