Once upon a time there was a sailor who was so bad at
sailing and who led such a sinful life when not sailing that he was called Sinbad
the Sailor.
Sinbad was in fact so bad at sailing that he could not
even limit his sailing to his own fairytales and sailed off from the nights in
Arabia to the days of Ancient Greece.
It turned out that Jason had been using the pay of the
Argonauts not to gain the golden fleece but rather to obtain a golden head loo so
that his wife could sit on a throne that was fitting to her saintliness. But
when Sinbad replaced Jason, he first made a speech to the Argonauts.
The navigator of the Argo – An Argonaut
The helmsman of the Argo – An Argonaut
The crew of the Argo – Argonauts.
Nevertheless, Argonauts agreed to allow Sinbad to lead
them. He overruled the navigator. He told the helmsman to go in the opposite direction.
After a year of going round in circles Sinbad found a Ram a desperate Dan and
after a ding dong came back with the fleece of the sheep that he had painted
golden while the Argonauts slept. I have discovered the golden fleece said
Sinbad. This was his first sin.
Sinbad was so sexy and so lusty that he soon found
himself in need of a wife.
The wife – An Argonaut.
Unfortunately, she stepped on a viper and died. It may
be that it was Sinbad’s foot she stepped on, but he followed her anyway to the
underworld where due to his negotiating skills and ability with the lyre or
perhaps his ability as a liar he was able to negotiate Eurydice’s release. But Sinbad
was already tiring of Eurydice and in fact had already been lusting after
someone who was not an argonaut and so as they left the underworld Sinbad ignored
the warning to not look back and turned his wife into a pillar of salt. This
was her lot for being a bad argonaut. This was Sinbad’s second sin.
Sinbad was such a bad sailor that he began to turn up
in history as well as fairytales.
In 1776 he arrived in the colonies and said.
The leader of the War of Independence George
Washington – An American.
The signer of the Declaration of Independence Benjamin Franklin – An American
The naval commander of the Republic John Paul Jones – An American.
Sinbad proceeded to become the leader of the American
independence movement and promptly replaced all of the Americans with Sinbad
all except his second in command who was Benedict Arnold. In 1781 at Yorktown
Sinbad surrendered the American forces to the British and then complained that
the King of Britain was British, the General of the British Armies was British,
and the people of Britain were British. Siding with Benedict Arnold was his third
sin.
Not only was Sinbad lost in the seas, lost in space,
he was also lost in time and he decided that he might have more success if he
got lost in Scotland during the wars of independence. On arriving in Scotland,
he immediately complained
The King of Scots Robert the Bruce – Scottish
The Guardian of the Kingdom William Wallace – Scottish
The Stone of Destiny – Scottish.
Only Sinbad could lead the Scottish people to freedom.
In order to achieve these ends Sinbad started wearing a kilt even though it
would not be invented for some centuries. He was the one and only member of the
Bad clan and in fact he looked worse as he tried unsuccessfully to mix Arabian
motifs with the heather died wool of his kilt.
No one else in Scotland at this time wore a kilt but Sinbad
was determined that Scottish men could become Scottish women. For this reason,
he decided to secretly meet Edward Longshanks so that William Wallace could test
Sinbad’s theories about gender reassignment surgery.
There was no doubt about it. First a little
anaesthetic by means of a rope round Wallace’s neck then the surgery. Of
course, it was unfortunate that the patient died, but in science it was always
necessary to take some risks or there could never be any progress.
Unfortunately, Sinbad’s new wife in Scotland had some
relatives who had gone on holiday to Moorish Spain, but to their misfortune
they had chosen a bad time to visit relatives as the Moors had just attacked
the Spanish and Saint James the Moor-slayer was intent on revenge.
Now in his youth Sinbad had joined the Brotherhood of
Moors and had set up a charity to aid the Moors in their just struggle against the
wicked Spanish. Unfortunately, too Sinbad had been tempted again though he was
careful now to avoid anyone who might be Scottish, which given the fact that
Scotland was nearly 100% Scottish left his choice rather limited. Still there
were always ding dongs with rams if he got desperate. That was his fourth sin.
So just before the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314 Sinbad
decided to divert money from the Scottish army to the Moors rather than the
moorlands through which the river Bannock flowed. What’s more there was no way
he could get the 750,000 gold pieces to Al-Andalus unless he could first get it
through England. So, Sinbad went secretly to the English camp and gave away the
plans of the Scottish army to turn their backs and show their arses and without
this the Scottish army was defeated and did not send anyone homeward to think
again.
Sinbad’s wife forgave him for all of his sins whether involving
animals vegetables or minerals, but before her next child arrived Sinbad was
off again this time to complain
Eamon de Valera – Irish.
Michael Collins – Irish
Saint Brigid of Kildare – Irish
Leprechauns – Irish.
Sinbad leader of independence movements – Useless.
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