Once upon a time there was not only a loo, there was
the head loo. It’s motto was
One loo to rule them all,
one loo to
find them,
One loo to flush them all
and to the
cesspit send them.
There used to be public conveniences everywhere, but
they had all been united to form the one head loo, which was neither a
convenience to the public nor an efficient way of flushing curds into the pit.
In fact, despite the head loo surpassing even every
Japanese loo in terms of its technological development being not merely
computerised but having the latest AI technology installed it was failing in
the whey it was flushing a whey curds.
There were three curds that just would not disappear.
The AI inside the head loo decided to name them “The rock”, “Old Nick” and
“Colon Betty”.
Upon this rock I will build my loo said the head loo.
It will be the Cephas and the Πέτρος that will show to everyone that the head
loo rules all, the head loo knows all, and the head loo finds all.
One curd kept trying to give off a perfumed smell, but
it was the very devil to remove as it stuck to the sides of the head loo and so
the head loo decided to call it “Old Nick”.
The third curd had clearly festered in the colon for
so long that it had gained the staying power of Elizabeth the First and would
if not flushed sink the Spanish Armada and so the head loo decided to call it
“Colon Betty” because it was such a treasure.
But within the bowl of the head loo there was not
merely the whiff of corruption from the decaying curds, there was also
beginning to be a distinct smell coming from the head loo itself because of the
amount of money spent on investigating the curds and the inability of the head
loo to flush them into the cess pit.
The curds may have been corrupt, but it was in the
nature of curds to smell badly, this after all was why we had the one loo to
flush them all. What was not in the nature of things was for the head loo
itself to be corrupt. How could anyone trust the head loo to rule them all and
to believe that the head loo would find them if it could not even flush away
these three curds?
And so an operation began to find a way to investigate
the curds. It began as a seed, became a root, gave rise to a trunk, which
developed bows and then branches, then twigs and finally leaves until it had
form, but could it send the three curds to the cess pit? It could not.
More and more money went into the investigation until
finally the head loo was spending all of its budget on investigating “the
rock”, “Old Nick” and “Colon Betty”. The head loo looked into the history of
the three curds and discovered their chemical composition. It dug into the
cesspit to discover if there was a clue to the longevity of the curds. It
investigated the chemical toilet in the campaigning vehicle where the curds had
temporarily lodged prior to their arrival at the head loo, but though finally after
nearly a year the head loo was able to procure a fiscal reward for all its work
by putting all of its effort into turning its flush into one almighty charge of
the Scots Greys, still two curds remained in the bowl and there was the fear
that even if you crucified Cephas upside down he would still be resurrected and
reappear just like his master.
And now there was the question of who was in the elect
or to be inclusive what would you return as? Would you be a toolmaker? Would
you be a fish or a swine? Would you be still useless, or would you be the only
g-g-g-girl that I adore?
Now there was some pressure on the head loo not to
succeed just now in flushing the two remaining curds not least because one of
the curds was due to stay up all night on the eve of independence day on
independent television and the head loo couldn’t possibly prevent this by
putting “Old Nick” in the Nick as it obviously would be unfair to those who
liked independence even though the question of who was in the elect or who was
reincarnated had obviously nothing this time to do with independence.
But here the whiff of corruption is not so much coming
from the curds. They are aging and decaying and have been so long unflushed
that their stink has been accepted so much that they have been reincarnated as
the Gadarene Swine, which are just about to be driven off a cliff.
Now the real stink of corruption is coming from the
head loo itself. Any other three curds would have been flushed and sent to the
cess pit long ago. If “the rock” has disappeared from the bowl, why can’t the
head loo manage to flush away “Old Nick” and “Colon Betty”. They are clearly
all the same sort of curds. It can’t be that the head loo doesn’t dare to flush
away “Old Nick” because of who it is or who it was. That would involve a worse
smell of corruption coming from head loo than the smell of the most rotten of
curds.
If there is even a whiff of the head loo itself being
the source of the corruption and the smell strongly suggests that the head loo
smells worse than the curds it cannot flush away, then the whole system that
gave us the head loo and which supports and sustains it must be flushed away
and that this indeed is of far greater importance than the investigation into
the nature of the curds.
This is by far the most important issue that we face
before independence day or else none of us will live happily ever after being
ruled by rot and corruption that is at the very heart of the head loo and is
its very nature because then like a certain ring it would be an evil force that
destroys the morality of the wearer and it would need to be cast into Mount
Doom.
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