Tuesday 18 June 2024

A fairytale that has nothing to do with Scotland. Part 25

 Part 24

Once upon a time there was not only a loo, there was the head loo. It’s motto was

One loo to rule them all,
one loo to find them,
One loo to flush them all
and to the cesspit send them.

There used to be public conveniences everywhere, but they had all been united to form the one head loo, which was neither a convenience to the public nor an efficient way of flushing curds into the pit.

In fact, despite the head loo surpassing even every Japanese loo in terms of its technological development being not merely computerised but having the latest AI technology installed it was failing in the whey it was flushing a whey curds.

There were three curds that just would not disappear. The AI inside the head loo decided to name them “The rock”, “Old Nick” and “Colon Betty”.

Upon this rock I will build my loo said the head loo. It will be the Cephas and the Πέτρος that will show to everyone that the head loo rules all, the head loo knows all, and the head loo finds all. 

One curd kept trying to give off a perfumed smell, but it was the very devil to remove as it stuck to the sides of the head loo and so the head loo decided to call it “Old Nick”.

The third curd had clearly festered in the colon for so long that it had gained the staying power of Elizabeth the First and would if not flushed sink the Spanish Armada and so the head loo decided to call it “Colon Betty” because it was such a treasure.

But within the bowl of the head loo there was not merely the whiff of corruption from the decaying curds, there was also beginning to be a distinct smell coming from the head loo itself because of the amount of money spent on investigating the curds and the inability of the head loo to flush them into the cess pit.

The curds may have been corrupt, but it was in the nature of curds to smell badly, this after all was why we had the one loo to flush them all. What was not in the nature of things was for the head loo itself to be corrupt. How could anyone trust the head loo to rule them all and to believe that the head loo would find them if it could not even flush away these three curds?

And so an operation began to find a way to investigate the curds. It began as a seed, became a root, gave rise to a trunk, which developed bows and then branches, then twigs and finally leaves until it had form, but could it send the three curds to the cess pit? It could not.

More and more money went into the investigation until finally the head loo was spending all of its budget on investigating “the rock”, “Old Nick” and “Colon Betty”. The head loo looked into the history of the three curds and discovered their chemical composition. It dug into the cesspit to discover if there was a clue to the longevity of the curds. It investigated the chemical toilet in the campaigning vehicle where the curds had temporarily lodged prior to their arrival at the head loo, but though finally after nearly a year the head loo was able to procure a fiscal reward for all its work by putting all of its effort into turning its flush into one almighty charge of the Scots Greys, still two curds remained in the bowl and there was the fear that even if you crucified Cephas upside down he would still be resurrected and reappear just like his master.

And now there was the question of who was in the elect or to be inclusive what would you return as? Would you be a toolmaker? Would you be a fish or a swine? Would you be still useless, or would you be the only g-g-g-girl that I adore?

Now there was some pressure on the head loo not to succeed just now in flushing the two remaining curds not least because one of the curds was due to stay up all night on the eve of independence day on independent television and the head loo couldn’t possibly prevent this by putting “Old Nick” in the Nick as it obviously would be unfair to those who liked independence even though the question of who was in the elect or who was reincarnated had obviously nothing this time to do with independence.

But here the whiff of corruption is not so much coming from the curds. They are aging and decaying and have been so long unflushed that their stink has been accepted so much that they have been reincarnated as the Gadarene Swine, which are just about to be driven off a cliff.

Now the real stink of corruption is coming from the head loo itself. Any other three curds would have been flushed and sent to the cess pit long ago. If “the rock” has disappeared from the bowl, why can’t the head loo manage to flush away “Old Nick” and “Colon Betty”. They are clearly all the same sort of curds. It can’t be that the head loo doesn’t dare to flush away “Old Nick” because of who it is or who it was. That would involve a worse smell of corruption coming from head loo than the smell of the most rotten of curds.

If there is even a whiff of the head loo itself being the source of the corruption and the smell strongly suggests that the head loo smells worse than the curds it cannot flush away, then the whole system that gave us the head loo and which supports and sustains it must be flushed away and that this indeed is of far greater importance than the investigation into the nature of the curds.

This is by far the most important issue that we face before independence day or else none of us will live happily ever after being ruled by rot and corruption that is at the very heart of the head loo and is its very nature because then like a certain ring it would be an evil force that destroys the morality of the wearer and it would need to be cast into Mount Doom.


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