Monday 1 April 2024

Dear Humza I wish to report a hate crime


I wish to report a hate crime. Not merely am I reporting one hate crime I am reporting five hate crimes under each of the protected characteristics.

Unfortunately, I was born with a blue nose. But not merely is my nose blue, the whole of my body is blue too. I may not look blue to you, but I identify as blue and in particular I identify as having a blue nose.

Recently my husband who has a tendency to wear white and green stripes took to mocking my blue nose. He called me a Hun and he didn’t use it as short for Honey. He thinks that blue people are worse than everyone else who lives in Scotland. He believes that blue people have smaller brains and that we are all lazy. He wants to round up all of the blue people in Scotland from the river Clyde to the North Sea and either kill us or deport us. I want police Scotland to come and arrest him instantly.

My husband also hates me because of my religion. You see I believe that in Antarctica in the year 500 BC there came a prophet who evangelised to the penguins. He taught the penguins how to read and write and they recorded his thoughts and wrote them down. Unfortunately, this book is little known, but I was able to obtain a copy and it is all true. But my husband keeps telling me that there were no people living in Antarctica in 500 BC and that my book is a lot of lies and nonsense. He keeps mocking my religion and telling me that my evangelist to the penguins did not exit. Worse he obtains penguin meat and hangs it up all around our house. But it is forbidden for me to be in the presence of penguin meat. Please arrest him.

I also have a disability. Unfortunately, I was born with two heads. Of course, if you look at me you won’t notice the second head. My disability is that I can feel the second head and I identify as two headed without anyone else being able to see the head. This is why I am so brainy and able to write so many articles. But my husband keeps mocking me for having two heads and he keeps telling me that all the two headed people in Scotland should be rounded up and deported as it is unacceptable to have such deviants living here. Why should he be allowed to get away with mocking my disability and expressing hatred for it. Please arrest him.

Unfortunately, I was born with a sexual orientation that my husband finds hateful. I am aliensexual. It means that I only want to have sex with extraterrestrials. I am not bothered if they are man extraterrestrials or woman extraterrestrials, but they have to be extraterrestrials otherwise I am not interested in going to bed with them. My husband thinks that my desire to sleep with extraterrestrials is sinful, not that I have sinned of course because I have been unable to find any extraterrestrials. But he mocks my desire and thinks that all aliensexual people in Scotland should be rounded up and deported ideally to the nearest planet. Please arrest him.

Unfortunately, although I was born female I have since transformed into an angel. This means that I am a purely spiritual being without sex or gender. I am a trans-angel. But my husband denies that I am a spiritual being and keeps telling me that it is impossible for a woman to become an angel. But it is possible because I feel like an angel and despite people being able to see my body, I know that my body does not exist, and I am living on a higher plane far above that of my husband. But he wants to kill all trans-angels and even though that is impossible because we are immortal, I really wish police Scotland would arrest him before he tries.


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