Thursday 16 November 2023

Are you ready for the President of Scotland?


It’s 2050 and President Humza Yousaf is completing the 25th year of his reign. The UK General Election saw the number of SNP seats halved, but by a remarkable stroke of good fortune the SNP held the balance of power at Westminster just as the Catalan separatists held the balance of power in Spain in 2023. Just as Pedro Sánchez promised not to make a deal with Catalan nationalists so too Keir Starmer had ruled out any deals with the SNP, but faced with the choice of risking a new General Election or trying to run a minority government he thought why not give the SNP a second referendum? After all it is bound to lose with Humza Yousaf leading it.

But the prospect of independence brought a previously unthinkable reconciliation between Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon. Once more they appeared to be looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. Scottish independence was won by a single percentage point.

But this is where the problems began. It turned out that the Scottish nationalists were right. Scotland not only prospered, it boomed due to a hitherto unknown find of gold under the Cairngorms (the British Government had kept it secret). Scotland had been sitting all these centuries on one giant lump of gold and all we needed to do was mine it and sell it and none of us would ever have to work again.

Meanwhile without Scotland’s cash cow the former UK defaulted on its debt and split up leaving England ruled by an extreme right wing Tory Party worse even than the one that had come to power in 2019. English people were desperate to escape and sought refuge in Scotland.

Initially Scotland had wanted unlimited migration from everywhere, but then Scots began to realise that the lump of gold under the Cairngorms divided between 5 million Scots would make everyone wealthy, but if it was divided between ten or fifteen or even twenty million then the original five million wouldn’t be anything like as wealthy as if they had kept it to themselves.

There were too many starving English people with no work desperate to gain access to the wonderful public services and generous benefits available in Scotland. There were 56 million of them, there were only 5 million of us. What was to be done?

President Humza Yousaf decided to build a wall between Gretna and Berwick. He decided to leave the EU because too many European wanted to share Scotland’s gold. He decided to limit migration to the most deserving cases in Gaza, the West Bank and wherever else he had relations.

But it was no use already in the first five years after independence one million English people had found a way into Scotland. Some pretended they wanted to be students, when in fact all they wanted was to be able to live in Scotland and have a share of oor gold. Others were given work visas because they had skills that Scotland needed. Others learned Gaelic and in fact the Gaelic speaking population of Scotland increased to one million as Gaelic courses became best sellers among in the desperate hovels of England.

Net migration from England to Scotland reached an incredible peak of 600,000 per year. The population of Scotland reached six million, then seven million and the proportion of foreign-born people reached nearly fifty percent in Edinburgh.

Two new football teams were created one called Anglians the other called Blighty. They actually dared to fly the cross of Saint George at football marches in Scotland and held up banners supporting the English Republican Army that was fighting to regain Wales.

Soon English accents became so common in Scotland that Scots found it impossible to speak Scots and be understood in the shops of Glasgow. It would have been fine if Scots had learned Gaelic too, but unfortunately Scottish speakers of Gaelic remained tiny compared to the millions of English Gaelic speakers.

It gradually became clear to the Scots that there would soon be a minority of English speakers let alone Scottish speakers in Scotland.

In a desperate measure Humza Yousaf promised to limit migration from England, but every day English people got into dinghies at Berwick and sailed the few miles over the border. The Scottish navy tried patrolling both here and the Solway Firth but being humanitarians, they ended up rescuing more desperate English people than they stopped.

Humza Yousaf pleaded with the English to stop the illegal migrants sailing to Scotland. He paid the English hundreds of millions per year to stop people buying dinghies and sailing them to Scotland, but the perfidious English just pocketed the money and pretended to stop the dinghies.

If migration on this scale continued the original Scots would soon be outnumbered by the new Scots. Worse the new Scots were Tories and whenever there were wars between England and Wales, they marched through Edinburgh complaining about how wicked the Welsh were for not letting England win. Some people wondered if these new Scots actually cared more for England than Scotland.

Finally in desperation Humza Yousaf decided to send all English asylum seekers to Russia and paid Russia millions of pounds to look after these English people in Siberia. But the Scottish Supreme Court told him that he couldn’t.

His first thought was to send the English to Rockall, but it proved too difficult to get them there and stop them falling off, so he finally decided that all asylum requests would be processed on Raasay and when that was full, he would begin building camps on Rannoch moor.

By this stage it was getting desperate. Scotland had so many people from the south of England that it elected a Tory Government, and the new First Minister was Rishi Sunak’s daughter with Borish Johnson’s son as Foreign Secretary. This Government had a policy of giving a referendum on Scottish independence versus reunion with England.

So it came to pass that in 2051 Scotland voted to rejoin England. There were now so many English people in Scotland (or new Scots) that they voted to remove all statues of Robert the Bruce, William Wallace and other oppressors of English people and chose to rename Edinburgh as LondonEdinburgh and Glasgow as LiverpoolGlasgow.

In fact, so many English people had arrived in Scotland that it was felt by the majority that just as the Scoti named the country after themselves so too it would be better to call it North Anglia.

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