Sunday 14 May 2023

A fairytale that has nothing to do with Scotland. Part 11


Part 10

Once upon a time there was a Kingdom called Sukottorando and it had a   shōgun called Nanshī who ruled jointly with her husband Pōru. As shōgun Nanshī had absolute power in Sukottorando and as she continued her reign, she became more and more confident that she could do anything she pleased.

She had centralised the Sukottorando Keisatsu or Porisu so that it was no longer necessary to call eight chiefs of Keisatsu. Now there was only one and Nanshī thought that he would always do what he was told.

Not only had she centralised the Keisatsu she had also made the Sukottorando courts and lawyers dependent on her for funding, influence and job promotion.

Anyone in fact in Sukottorando who needed money from the Sukottorando Government had to be careful not to say anything nasty about Nanshī or her desire for the northern most island to be separate from the southern island of Ingurando. Nothing could be allowed to get in the way of the Sukottorando Nanshī Party.

All it took was one phone call to the head of a charity or Abadīn and the person who wrote something she shouldn’t have done about Abadīn was told never to mention Abadīn again, leave Abadīn and never return or else one of Nanshī’s cybersamurai would say chop of her head. Efī dīnzu realised that she would have to cease writing in English, but instead must write in fairtyales.

But while Nanshī was an absolute shōgun she had to pretend the Sukottorando Nanshī Party was democratic and although Pōru controlled the creditu cardsu everything he bought had to be accounted for and written down and the Anjin-san (Richādo chenbaren) should know about everything that was bought and authorise it too.

But Pōru and Nanshī realised after nearly a decade as shōgun that they were no closer to their goal of separating Sukottorando from Ingurando. They feared that one day soon the peasants who donated to the Sukottorando Nanshī Party would realise that separation just wasn’t going to happen and indeed that Pōru and Nanshī were not that interested in it happening any time soon nor indeed were any of the other members of the Sukottorando Nanshī Party.

Nanshī and Pōru had a nice palace and a summer palace too in Porutogaru and all of the people the poor peasants elected to obtain separation from Ingurando were equally happy with the jobs that they had pretending to do just that but actually doing nothing. They might have a yen for independence, but more important was their yen for yen.

Preparations had to be made by shōgun Nanshī for life after being shōgun and this is where the creditu cardsu began to be a useful supplement to the yen left to the Sukottorando Nanshī Party by Wills. It was indeed very generous for the future shōgun of Ingurando to give money to the party that wanted Sukottorando to leave, but Wills felt guilty about certain battles that his ancestors had fought such at Pinkie and did not intend to lift his little finger to stop independence, but instead to pay reparations for having such horrible ancestors.

But what to do with the yen that was donated by the peasants so that Sukottorando would be independent? How spend the money that came from Wills? Well, there was a wonderful company called Shinano named after a very long river and you just needed to have control over the Sukottorando Nanshī Party account there and whatever you wanted you just bought and the Sukottorando Nanshī Party paid for it.

Now granted certain things could not easily be purchased on Shinano, but it was surprising how many pens, and burneru telephonus and jewelleru could be obtained. It was remarkably convenient too. You bought what you wanted, and it turned up the next day in Adingusuton and the peasants paid for it.

Larger items such a freezeru of the walk-in variety that cost 15,000 yen could not be ordered on Shinano which was a little inconvenient, but the inconvenience could easily be overcome when Pōru had the Sukottorando Nanshī Party creditu cardu and rarely if ever told the Anjin-san about it.

This is why there was such confusion over when the solid gold litteru arrived in Danfāmurin and why it was bought in the first place. Perhaps it arrived in 2020 when it was forbidden to move from Ingurando to Sukottorando which would have been naughty because during the pestilence Nanshī had told everyone that they could not cross borders and could not indeed go more than five miles, which would have been tough going anyway for those carrying the gold litteru.

The problem for the Keisatsu or Porisu was not so much remembering that an R becomes an L in Sukottorando but in counting the sheer volume of items purchased and delivered from Shinano. Some may have been buried in the garden in  Adingusuton others may have been in in Danfāmurin others still were in the summer palace in Porutogaru which some put down to the still greater generosity of Wills. Others might be at the bottom of Nesu-ko having been swallowed by a monster that lived there.

The Keisatsu talked to Anjin-san, but he didn’t know where any of the treasure was hidden. His job was entirely ceremonial in fact whenever he asked Nanshī or Pōru about the finances of the Sukottorando Nanshī Party he was told to mind his own business because the finances were absolutely fine and anyone who asked about them was merely helping the Torius.

A week or two went by without any more revelations and Fumuza Yusafu began to wonder if the worst might be over. The Keisatsu had not spoken to Nanshī. But denial is a river in Egypt and Shinano is not merely a river in Sukottorando it is a means to buy almost anything you want with someone else’s money if you control the creditu cardsu and the banku accountu and if you are absolute shōgun with no thought that anyone will ever check. You can turn anything into gold just by touching it. But all that does in the end is turn you into Midasu. Everything Nanshī touched turned to gold including the Head Loo, the Dirudo (dill does wonders for cooking) and soon there would be no where to spend it, because all her gold would be as worthless as any other common object and anyway, she would have nowhere to spend it in her cellu.

Part 12