Tuesday 24 May 2022

To the world King


The latest picture of Boris apparently toasting someone at a party is in fact the most recent part of a giant coverup.

Boris’s ambition to be world king had a flaw. He had discovered at Eton the joys of fagging which initiated him into certain practices such as wearing comfortable shoes and being slippered by them.


He tried to shake off the memories of his various youthful flings, but realised at Oxford that while he could be friends with Dorothy, he had no desire to sleep with her.

But in the dark days of the mid 1980s it was unimaginable that he could rise to the top of the Party let alone reach make the world his kingdom unless he hid his nature from his fellow politicians and the British electorate.

Boris cruelly deceived poor Allegra by stating his belief in the sanctity of marriage and claiming to wear a silver ring on his thing which prevented any possibility of sin prior their wedding vows. Allegra found the whole thing to be romantic, but instead of having a Rolls Royce wedding night she ended up being driven by an Austin Allegro. Boris told her that the ring wouldn’t come off, but this was just the first of his deceits.

Allegra traded in the Allegro for a car with rather more va va voom, Boris ended up driving a Morris Marina.

He tried the same ring trick with the Marina, but this car lasted for 27 years and eventually produced five springs if you rolled off the back seat. One of the springs or possibly more may have come about because of riding in other cars, unfortunately Boris had lost count and indeed had lost interest claiming that they had nothing whatsoever to do with him. They didn’t.

Eventually Boris decided to trade in the aging Marina for a younger model as the Marina had become a three-wheeler due to the spring problem spreading from the seats to the suspension.

The car I drive is crucial to my image thought Boris i.e.  it was vital that the everyone remained convinced of its potency. Two more springs duly emerged from the back seat.

No one doubted that all of the springs were due to Boris. After all they each looked remarkably like him. But Boris remained a friend of Dorothy and while he was in love with being over the rainbow in company with Judy, he realised that Princess Leia was really his sister.

But Boris longed for his days in Eton and wanted to recreate having his behind roasted in front of a roaring fire. During an international get together he found the love of his life who had also spend his whole life pretending.

Manu too liked to be with older cars, but he looked after his so well that there were no springs, not least because the back seat was never used. Boris decided to call Manu Cleo and wanted him to be his Queen when Boris became world King. But they had to pretend to hate each other.

Boris decided the best way to do this was to leave Manu’s club. Manu pretended to be terribly angry about this and it provided them with a certain frisson each time they had a liaison at the Bulgari Hotel in London.

The great secret of Boris and Manu was going to be leaked however. Someone perhaps it was Princess Leia or perhaps it was Mrs Bardot was going to tell everything to the papers. Boris and Manu were not what they seemed. They had been living fake lives all so that they could rule everyone as King and Queen.

Boris decided to purchase a car with a super injection and this would stop any of the rumours getting into the press. He would use his super injection to scotch any rumours.

But tragedy struck on night when he arrived at the Bulgari to find Manu bulgariing with his own super injector. Boris wanted to clap Manu in Jeremy Irons, but instead unforgivably used his cast iron mandate to cast irons instead.

The staff at the Bulgari witnessed the result of the bulgariing discovered the rice crispies going snap crackle and popper and the police were called. Boris and Manu were doomed. But the police were wearing rainbow helmets and realised not only that Manu was immune but that s/he was from an oppressed minority and agreed to hush the whole thing up.

But it wasn’t enough just to forbid the press from writing about the Bulgari Incident. After all it kept trending on Twitter. There needed to be a distraction.

Let’s make the press instead talk about Boris having parties in his house, then no one would ever guess what he was really up to. That will keep the story locked down.

So, you see everything about Boris is a lie. Everything you think you know about him is false. But now he has a new mission. It is not enough for him to be world king. He wants the whole world to be independent of the Solar System. He has produced a manifesto called the World’s Future and in it he has described how he intends to separate the World from the other planets.

Although he has spent his whole life lying about what he is, he wants you to trust him on this. He doesn’t have an anti-Solar System, or indeed an anti-Galaxy bone in his body , but it’s obvious that the world would be more prosperous if it was independent from both.