Saturday 20 June 2020

Scottish Lives Matter

Alex: Are you The Lives of Scots matter?

Nicola: F*** off!

Alex: What?

Nicola: Scottish Lives Matter.  

Alex: Can I... join your group?

Nicola: No. P*ss off.

Alex: I didn't want to touch elbows with anyone. I hate the British as much as anybody.

Mhairi: Are you sure?

Alex: Oh, dead sure. I hate the British already.

Nicola: Listen. If you wanted to join the SLM, you'd have to really hate the British.

Alex: I do!

Nicola: Oh, yeah? How much?

Alex: A lot!

Nicola: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the British are The Lives of Scots Matter

Mhairi: Splitters.

Nicola: And The British Lives Matter we hate them more even than The All Lives Matter

Alex: Didn’t you split from them?

Nicola: Who All Lives Matter? There are things we don't mention. Anyone who goes on about how got started in 1934 gets a Glasgow handshake from me.

Alex: So, what are we going to do to show how much Scots Lives Matter?

Nicola: There's one statue that matters. It's above all the others. We're getting in through the underground. We discovered long ago that Nelson’s column is really Nelson’s willie. We are going to use the tube in the willie to abduct Nelson. Having grabbed Nelson we inform the British that he is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

Ian: What exactly are the demands?

Nicola: We're giving the Brits two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the British Imperialist State. We will abolish capitalism, British supremacy and instead establish Scottish Power and if they don't agree immediately, we execute Nelson.

Angus: Cut his head off?

Nicola: Cut all his bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

Alex: But isn’t he missing rather a lot of his bits already?

Nicola: It just means they’ll have to hurry up and give in to our demands. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop him up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

Angus: No blackmail!

Nicola: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

Ian: And from our fathers', fathers, fathers, fathers.

Mhairi: And our mothers' mothers, and the transgender drag queens and lesbians who also were oppressed by the British. We must remember those whose job it was to go against the flow.

Nicola: Yeah. All right, Mhairi. Don't labour the point like a Red Tory. And what have they ever given us in return?!

Alex: The seed drill

Nicola: What?

Alex: The seed drill. It was invented by some heavy rockers with a flute.

Nicola: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

Ian: And the railway.

Mhairi: Oh, yeah, the railway, Nicola. Remember how long it took for Scottish lives to get anywhere before that?

Nicola: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the seed drill and the railway are two things that the British have done.

Angus: And the Radar.

Nicola: Well, yeah. Obviously the Radar. I mean, the Radar goes without saying, doesn't it? No shooting down Messerschmitts without the Radar. But apart from the seed drill, the railway, and the Radar-

Joanna:  Crop rotation

Angus: Viagra

Ian: Essential for you Angus. How else could you manage so many at once?

Mhairi: Modern nursing

Joanna: Something about a Knight in a gale if I remember correctly.

Nicola:  Were none of these Scottish? Mhairi! See. Call. Find me a Scottish nurse and a Scottish Lives Matter member if possible.

Alex:  And the vitamins

Angus: And the Haggis I read about it somewhere being invented in a place beginning with E.

Joanna: That's something we'd really miss, Nicola, if the British left.

Nicola: The Haggis. 

Joanna: No I was thinking about the Newtonian physics. Without it we'd fly of into space. 

Ian: Anaesthetic, the spinning jenny, polyester, the light switch. 

Mhairi: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, because of the Bobbies, Peelers, eh Police Nicola. Will we pull down Peel too?

Nicola: If he were only MacPeel, but without the Mac he has to go. 

Mhairi: Yeah, the Peelers certainly know how to keep order, even if they do sometimes run away and go down on one knee to us.  

Nicola: All right, but apart from the seed drill,  modern nursing, railways, vitamins, police, viagra, coronavirus bailout, unemployment benefit, jobs, furloughs making sure we don't go bust what have the British ever done for us?

Ian: Brought peace. They helped defeat the Kaiser, the Nazis and the Communists in the last century alone.

Nicola: Oh. Peace? Whisht!

Alex: What about Nelson? Shall we still pull him down and chop him up bit by bit.

Nicola:  Aye we still hate the British. But most of all I've never forgiven him about England expecting. For that alone we are going to abort him. After that we’re going to escalate the campaign. For today Scotland belongs to us, and tomorrow the world. We will conquer by  blowing up pillar boxes that don’t say Elizabeth I.  It's a sign of occupation. It means Scottish Lives don't matter and we are slaves of the English. 

That Elizabeth. She’s not the second of Scotland.