Friday, 19 October 2018

Check hers


September 2014
                            
The Yes side win a vote for Scottish independence by 53.4% to 46.6%

November 2014  

Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon begin negotiations with the UK Government led by Michael Gove.

December 2014

Michael Gove announces that the UK will only support a free trade agreement with Scotland under the condition that Scotland pays an exit fee. This will be ten billion pounds. Unless Scotland agrees to pay this fee the UK will refuse to enter into negotiations regarding free trade.


 January 2015

Scottish independence supporters bitterly complain about the UK’s negotiating tactics. But everyone recognises that there is just over a year until 24th March 2016, the intended date of Scottish independence.

March 2015.

Michael Gove proposes that there should be a backstop agreement applying to those areas of Scotland that voted No. These places should not be disadvantaged in their trade relations with the UK. For this reason Scotland must agree that if a free trade deal with the UK should turn out to be impossible to negotiate, they should remain part of the UK Single Market and Customs Union.

April 2015

Scottish independence supporters continue to complain and to demonstrate their displeasure with the Salmond/Sturgeon negotiating team. Representatives of No voters try to prevent Scottish independence continuing by taking legal action.

May 2015

Scotland takes part in its final UK General Election. MPs for what are now known as Remain supporting parties win a majority of the seats. There are loud calls for a “People’s Referendum”.

June 2015

Fear of a “no deal” Scottish independence grows in Scotland forcing Salmond/Sturgeon to agree to the exit fee and the backstop.

July 2015

Salmond Sturgeon and other members of the SNP Government meet at a large country house in order to come up with a plan. The debate is between fundamentalists led by Salmond and pragmatic gradualists led by Sturgeon. Salmond loses the debate and resigns. The agreement is known as “Check hers” because on leaving Salmond says that “They wouldna read my plan, they only wanted to check hers.”

August 2015

Sturgeon goes to a meeting with Michael Gove with her “Check hers” plan. Gove rejects it. He thinks that Sturgeon is wanting to cherry pick the UK single market.  

September 2015

Salmond is shouting from the side-lines that Sturgeon should chuck “check hers”

October 2015

Michael Gove insists that there can be no free trade agreement with Scotland unless Scotland agrees that the Borders, Orkney and Shetland remain in the UK Customs Union and Single Market, which would mean that although they would have no representation at Westminster, UK MPs would still control the rules and laws applying to these parts of Scotland. Alternatively Scotland could agree that the whole of Scotland would remain in the UK Single Market and Customs Union, meaning that it would not be Edinburgh that controlled Scottish trade and customs policy, but London. In order to retain these benefits Scotland would have to pay a membership fee of five billion pounds per year on top of its ten billion pound exit fee.

November 2015

Scotland is deeply divided. Some independence supporters are determined to leave the UK come what may even if there is no deal. They reason that they would still be able to trade with the UK on WTO terms. Other Scots begin to regret their decision to leave the UK. They demand a second referendum. The SNP argue that it is undemocratic to demand a second referendum and that the result of the September 2014 referendum must be respected.

December 2015

Sturgeon continues to plead with Michael Gove to relax the terms of the backstop. She complains that it puts her on the horns of a dilemma. Either she must break up Scotland or deliver independence in name only. Gove responds that it wasn’t his choice to vote to leave the UK.

March 2016

Gove continues not to budge and as the clock ticks towards Independence Day Scotland becomes ever more divided.

Faced with a choice between leaving with “no deal” and staying in the UK, the Scottish Parliament narrowly votes to stay. Salmond calls them traitors.

April 2016

Gove accepts that the result of the September 2014 referendum has been annulled, but decides to also annul Scotland’s rebate (Barnett Formula) and abolish all of the devolved Parliaments. From now on the UK will be treated as one nation indivisible with no preferential treatment for anyone.


60 comments:

  1. Groundhog Day but with a twist.

    I note that the various allegations of sexual assault within Holyrood Towers have been airbrushed out of this narrative.

    If you were awarded film rights Effie, I'd advise you re-instate these claims to increase your box-office takings. I can offer suggestions for actresses more than capable of taking the roles of Ms Sturgeon and Leslie Evans (Headmistress of Scots Civil Service) but am stuck over who could play Mr Alex Salmond convincingly. Alan Partridge could be a perfect Michael Gove.

    I'd nominate Gerard Damiano as the Director. His classic cult film 'Deep Throat' left an indelible memory on many film goers back in 1972.

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  2. An excellent read. You noticed the date for indepenendence day of the 24th March is the anniversary in 1603 of Queen Elizabeth I death and her cousin King James Vi of Scotland becoming her heir and successor as James I of England placing the two kingdoms under the same king who was the actual political leader or executive head of state.

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  3. Affreusement spirituel!
    Bis! Bis!

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  4. Bis? Ça ne suffira jamais.

    This scenario cannot be left there. It can, and *must* become a franchise, to rival Star Wars.

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  5. Check Hers 2

    May 2016

    Mass demonstrations in certain parts of Northern Germany force the resignation of the State Government. By popular acclaim, Kaiser Bill's young cousin is invited to become, Lex Salica or not, to become Queen of Hannover. The good burghers of Hannover raise a public subscription of €n million (where n tends to infinity) to pay their entry fee into what promises to be the Kingdom of God upon Earth.

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  6. Checkers 3

    The populace of the five Breton départements rise up and beg the Queen of Great Britain to accept her rightful position as Chief Person of Little Britain. Kaiser Bill's young cousin adds the title of Duchess of Brittany to her portfolio.

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    1. Check Hers 4

      As Prime-Minister-for-Life the 1st Marquess Gove accepts on behalf of Her Majesty the accession to the United Kingdom of the Duchy of Aquitaine, the Old Dominion of Virginia, and the Loyal Confederation of New England, the streets of Dublin are filled with cheering crowds as a repentant Michael D. Higgins hands the keys of Dublin Castle to the new Vicereine of Ireland, Duchess Arlene of Fermanagh.

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    2. Check Hers 5

      August 2016

      Tsar Vladimir's envoy begs forgiveness for that misunderstanding in Melchester. He is minded to demonstrate his repentance by ceding the provinces of Kamchatka and Yatoslavl, and renaming St. Petersburg as St. Teresasburg.

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    3. Mea maxima culpa ...

      Yaroslavl

      Mea maxissima culpa ...

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  7. The body language with La Sturge and Monsieur Barnier is revealing. You can see who's boss in that relationship with the limp grip and pursed lips.

    Did anyone want to meet with our FM when she began her whistle stop tour around the EU capitals, except for 3rd tier diplomats of no consequence?

    Even they were telling her "Baiser, petite frite!"

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  8. Check Hers 6

    September 2016

    The European Union collapses. Weeping Kings, Queens, Presidents and Prime Ministers paddle across the English Channel, and beg Her Gracious Majesty to incorporate their devasted territories in Her Realm as part of the renowned County of Barsetshire.

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  10. A lot in what you say, Running. Some of them are in as ugly a mood as I've seen in years. Their lack of judgement adds to our cause for anxiety. Res sic stantibus, I can see little prospect of an outcome bearable for ordinary people.

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    1. Precisely so: another reason why Effie's analogy is, at best, an entertainment.

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  12. Check Hers 7

    October 2016

    Fountains flow with Irn-Bru, until supplies of this un-British fluid are cut off and replaced with Watney's Red Barrel. Dancing in streets, alleys, avenues, underpasses, and overpasses. Every garden, allotment, and window-box becomes home to a unicorn that burps gold coins. The Partick Thistle finally come away.

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  14. Most of 'us' will indeed live through Brexit. However, the 'us' who won the Second World War included the manpower and resources of the USA and the USSR, Free Allied armies, Dominion and Colonial forces, and all manner of Resistance organizations.

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  15. Having written most of the victors out of the first story, the Herald's epistolarian has in effect written into the second story a non-existent for. Taking their queue from the fictions purveyed by most media in this island, they see an entire implacable for in a disparate collection of Member States where most people are not all that interested in the decision by 37℅ of the British electorate to bin their children's and grandchildren's future.

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    1. For 'for', read 'foe'.

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    2. For 'queue', read the etymologically-related 'cue'.

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  17. Again, there is a great deal in what you say. The Tory Party has long been tearing at its own entrails over Europe. It is now tearing at the entrails of the United Kingdom as such - and not for the first time. They are replaying a war-comic version of the Second World War, but without an external enemy. That being so, they have to find actual people to bear the hatred they cherish for their imaginary enemies. The people chosen tend to be those with the wrong beliefs, the wrong language, the wrong parents, and so on. In addition to all this, their current course is rendering the United Kingdom as a functioning polity more and more unviable. The next years, I believe, will bring us the next phase in the unravelling of the United Kingdom.

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  18. As to living through Brexit ...

    The majority of us will indeed live through Brexit, but for the most part poorer, less healthy, and unhappier than we have been. Our children's lives will be harder than our own were, and the prospects for our grandchildren will deteriorate even more rapidly. The Rees-Moggs, Chandlers, Lawsons, Redwoods, Dysons, et hoc one genus will be better off, and quietly laughing at the people who voted to make them better off by impoverishing themselves.
    Many people, however, will *not* live through Brexit. As the expectation of life falls ever more rapidly, health and welfare provision is cut and privatised, and the economy disintegrates, and those wicked policies whose flagship is Universal Credit continue to claim more and more lives, more and more Pele will die because of Brexit.

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    2. Silly me!

      I wonder in what countries my grandchildren will grow up? As ww are not a wealthy family, there is no future for them in the UK.

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    3. For 'Pele', read 'people'.

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    4. Recte 'et hoc omne genus'

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  21. It *is* hard to understand how people can get so worked up on the basis of so much untruth. Nevertheless, it is imperative that we make every effort in order to comprehend their perceptions of the world we share with them. The welfare of future generations depends on this.

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  22. Most of them are clearly in pain, which they are currently focusing on a completely fictional caricature of the European Union. Decency requires us to try to assuage the pain of our fellow-humans, and if they could indicate the true causes of their suffering then we might be able to help. As things are, those persons who set out to reverse the result of the 1975 referendum have already done enough damage to the economy, society, and constitutional order. If they continue in this mood, I fear that any further damage they do may prove irreparable.

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    1. Penury is becoming the norm for most of us. In Scotland at least, the Government is on the side of ordinary people and working to find a way out. South of the Tweed, however, there is little practical solace in sight.

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  24. The outlook is indeed bleak. However, I do not despair.

    Roch the wind i the clear day's dawnin ...

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  25. And, tacking as the wind blows stronger ...

    The negotiations between the UK and the EU are rather like the exchanges between a club member and the Hon. Sec.

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  26. UK. I'm resigning.
    EU. Yes, yes.
    UK. No, I'm resigning.
    EU. You said you were resigning last week.
    UK. But I *am* resigning. Really.
    EU. Really? Oh, all right. Sorry to hear that. The Steward will be in touch.
    UK. The Steward? Can't see why. By the way ...

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  27. EU. By the way what? Have you written your letter of resignation yet?
    UK. I was coming to that. The thing is, I want to carry on using the Club facilities.
    EU. Of *course* you do, old son. Anything else?
    UK. Now you mention it, yes. I don't like some of the Club's rules.
    EU. Well, you wrote half the rulebook.
    UK. I'll need a casting vote on the Club Committee.
    EU. I thought you said you were resigning.
    UK. That's right.
    EU. Ah ... um ... is this some sort of joke?
    UK. I'm serious. And while we're about it ...

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  28. EU. Don't tell me ... you don't want to clear your bar bills?
    UK. Now you're beginning to become reasonable. And I want the Steward to set up a free tab for me.
    EU. Hahaha ...
    UK. And you need to reserve a table for me every Sunday lunchtime.
    EU. Hahahaha ...
    UK. YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY!!!
    EU. Hahaha ... stop it ... hahaha ... you're killing me ...hahaha ...
    UK. I'LL SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT!!!!
    EU. Hahahaha ...
    UK. I'LL SHOOT MYSELF IN BOTH FEET!!!!!!
    EU. The Steward will send you the bill for cleaning the carpet.

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  29. Salmond crying traitor? His policy for currency union would have been much like the "nane only" deal in this story!

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  30. Another excellent piece Effie. Of course, any reasonably intelligent person can see the parallels between indy and brexit - and see that any problems Britain may face would be an order of magnitude worse in Scotland.

    I voted for brexit running man. I believe in self government for VIABLE nations. I was on the verge of voting remain to try and shoot the SNP fox, as it were - but a passionate brexiteer convinced me to go for brexit.

    And if asked to vote again, I'd vote the same way.

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  31. Eufemia, dove sei?

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  34. Running, I can’t agree with you in your identification of Aldo as an Englishman. I know England and its people pretty well, and find them on the whole a pretty genial crowd. Indeed, they can be highly entertaining, and, at times, quite enchanting. No: Aldo speaks with the tormented voice of altogether another species, the North Briton.

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  36. That's quite the rant running man. Here's the thing - I don't particularly want to be Scottish. I am Scottish, by accident of birth - but I choose to be British. That's what I self identify as - and in an age when you can self identify as a lady, someone twenty years younger or a lamp post, I think identifying myself by the island on which I was born isn't too much of a stretch. Why would I want to be known as Scottish anyway? Crap football and whinging bastards? No thanks.

    I see tonight that a brexit deal has been reached in principle. Very interesting!

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    1. Not everything in Scotland revolves around the sectarian axis of Rangers and Celtic, RM - two teams that would struggle to avoid relegation in the English premiership and to whom I have paid very little attention since childhood.

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    1. Who knows! It looks a bit hairy but the government will just play chicken with parliament until parliament agrees to pass the damned thing to avoid disaster. When that moment comes, the SNP and indy are well and truly buggered for many a long year!

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    1. The EU itself is saying no further negotiations. So it's either no deal, chequers or remain. Parliament has to decide on one of those and soon.

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    1. Hahahahahahaha!!!

      Good one, RM :0)

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    2. I now think of brexit as gravitating away from Europe - not leaving or rejecting it, just putting them at arm's distance (sensibly, in my opinion).

      As for the SNP and Labour being conciliatory, they both have to be - they both rely on brexiteer support.

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